I need a long joke?

Len Dalba: what's long and hard and has a lot of seamen?a submarine...Show more

Voncile Slaubaugh: A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely. At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the b! ank the next day to open a savings account. At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. "You must have worked very hard to earn all this", said the cashier. The little girl proudly replied, "Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike . We're building a big house." "My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "And will you be working on the house again next week?" The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously: "I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fckin bricks."...Show more

Nikita Schroepfer: There used to be an historic guy who desired all his existence to head on a safari. When he retired, he made up our minds to eventually provide himself the satisfaction. So he went to Africa and appeared for a safari hunter to accompany him. He met with plenty of them, however might no longer discover one who used to be inc! redibly loopy or low priced. Then a person announced himself t! o the vacationer, pronouncing he used to be as soon as the first-rate gorilla hunter within the land. He stated that he could love the joys of doing it once more, and requested not anything from the historic guy however a enormous Zulu, a ferocious pit bull, and a Pygmy with a gun. This appeared like a reasonable deal to the historic guy, so he approved. Off they went to the mountains to seem for gorillas. After only some hours, they spot a giant juvenile up in a tree. The hunter ordered the Zulu to climb up. The Zulu went and quickly a wrestling fit among the him and the gorilla ensued. After a couple of mins the gorilla fell down the tree, and because it did, the puppy rushed as much as him and bit it at the crotch (Yeouch!!) The Old guy used to be very inspired, bu used to be rather pissed off by way of the Pygmy, who effectively stood there and did not anything. Several days went by way of, and the equal factor occurred. One day, nevertheless, the historic guy noticed a! giant silverback on a tree, and informed the Zulu to struggle it down. So the Zulu went up, however earlier than he might even get to the ape, it shook the tree so tough that the Zulu fell. As he used to be falling, he screamed to the Pygmy, "SHOOT THE DOG!!!!!SHOOT THE DOG!!!!!"...Show more

Marhta Teahan: a ----- went into a -------- and asked the ----- for a ------ but he said we dont serve -------- in here.the girl said -------- ------ I dont give a ------- ---- what you ------- ---- think ,I want to -------- all the big ------- ones first.the man behind the counter said --------- you if you want more ---------- you will have to -------- all of them.I hope you liked my joke, I always get a good lol when I tell it....Show more

Brock Anwar: The head pharmacist goes out to lunch leaving the assistant pharmacist in charge.When the head pharmacist returns from lunch he notices a man leaning against the wall.He asked the assistant what was wrong with the man le! aning against the wall over there.The assistant pharmacist says,"Oh tha! t guy.Oh yeah he came in a little while ago with a really bad cough so I sold him a laxative.He seems to be doing ok now..... I guess." The head pharmacist says,"Are you crazy?? You can't sell a laxative to someone who has a bad cough like that!?" The assistant pharmacist says "Well why not?? Look at him over there! Its working! He's too scared to cough now!!....."2 grandmas were sitting in their rocking chairs on the porch,reminicing about the good ole days.One grandma says to the other grandma..dear do you remeber the minuet (dance btw)...she says darn...i cant even remember the min i screwed never mind the min i et!a flasher was going up to old ladies in a nursing home flashing...they all had big strokes.....well he went up to one last lady....poor old lady.....she couldnt reach it! Birth Control PillsAn elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken back, the doctor th! ought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night." An 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, he was seen walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to him and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" He replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."a guy goes into a bar and sits beside a big lady.he says to her boy u have a big a$$...she goes...why you.....and starts smacking him around.he goes in the mens room...fixes him se! lf up....combs/fixes his hair.....straightens out his glasses...puts hi! s teeth back in etc. He goes back and sits beside the same lady.He says to her....boy u got small boobs.....she says do i really...hes says yeah and i know how u can make em biger.She says how. He says you go into the ladies room,take your bra and shirt off....take a whole bunch of toilet paper and keep wiping and rubbing between your boobs...she says omg...do u think thatll really work for me/ He says why wouldnt it...it worked on your big a$$ didnt it.....mothers have a day called mothers day, fathers have a day called fathers day so what day do Single men have? Palm Day!Did you hear about the old lady that hated flies until she opened one?What do you get when you cross a drunk rooster and an owl?A stiff c**k that stays up all night.What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains?If you don't know stay away from my house!If you had an uncle named Jack and your Uncle Jack was on a horse and couldnt get off,would you help your Uncle Jack off the horse?Whats the diff! erence between a young prostitue and an old prostitute?The young prostitute uses vaseline and the older prostitute uses polygrip.Did you hear about the constipated accountant?He couldnt budget.Did you hear about the constipated math teacher?He had to work it out with a pencil.Did you hear about the movie Constipation?Thats cuz it hasnt come out yet!What worse than getting raped by Jack The ripper?Getting fingered by Captain Hook.Whats gray and comes in quarts?An elephant.How do you get an elephant off the ceiling?Jerk it off.How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper.How did the Dairy Qween get pregnant?Big Mac slipped her a quarter pounder. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC? Because its finger licking good!What do you do with a years worth of used condoms? Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear. What's slimy cold long and smells like pork Kermit the frogs finger Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out! before they check to see if anyone else is cumming. What do a gynocolo! gist and a pizza boy have in common? They can smell it but they cant eat it! Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested? He was charged with battery. Where does the one legged waitress work? The Ihop Whats the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?A rooster says cock-a-doodle and a prostitute says any c**k will doWhy was santa arrested?He was caught laying dools under the christmas tree.Why didnt santa clause ever have kids/Cuz he only comes once a year.Why don’t little girls fart? Because they don’t have a**holes until they get married.What is the definition of a perfect lover? A man with a 9 - inch tounge, who can breath through his ears!What are three, 2 - letter words that mean small? Is it in....Show more

Ramon Dahlheimer: Okay, this is a very long jokeNo -dumb blonde jokesNo -lesbian or gay jokesNo -culture ofensive jokesNo -religion jokesNo -political jokesThere's a condition for this joke to be successfully told.You must take a break first before you co! ntinue. Make sure you rest your eyes for 5 minutes or more.Ready? .............................................................................................................................If you follow the instruction completely, it should have taken you longer than 5 minutes!! to get to this point. How's that for a joke....Show more